anxiety

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Retire From Self Care

June 30, 2021September 24, 2021 krisshetter

"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

“I believe Jesus died to deliver ourselves from ourselves. How many of us are just fed up being ourselves all the time?”
Joyce Meyer

The darkness, fury and despair of the young woman sitting next to me grew with each passing minute. We were so close I could feel her shoulder touching mine. Sitting on the airplane we found ourselves in that strange world of invading each other’s personal space while pretending neither existed. Her billowing cloud seem to want to seep over the dividing line of the armrest to pull me in.

This seemingly quiet, unassuming young woman opened her computer and began pounding on her keyboard like the devil itself was trying to escape her fingertips. My eyes drifted to her brightly lit screen. I couldn’t help but notice the many words in all caps. And I was drawn to know what was causing her so much angst. It appeared she was writing a complaint letter about a work environment. As her fingers marched like Roman soldiers across the keyboard, pounding and erasing and pounding some more I couldn’t seem to tear my eyes away from the battle. She was hurt and outraged. She felt betrayed and abused. Her past hurts served as the basis of why her employer should’ve known better. And then those pounding fingers suddenly slammed the lid of the smoking computer closed. Her fury still burned. You could almost see the sparks coming from her.

Over the course of three and half hours I watched this woman join the battle numerous times, editing, adding and pounding. And then she started in on an email to her family. I kept praying that she, once there was internet service, would have a change of heart and not send off the bombs she composed. But alas, before deplaning, she picked up her phone and started, with the same fervor, sending off salvos via text messages. I have never seen a person’s finger move with such speed and aggressiveness. Like driving pass a car accident I couldn’t seem to look away.

I’ve come to realize that God puts me in all types of situations to test and teach me. I was learning a valuable lesson. You see, my tendency to get outrage over “unfair” situations is something I’ve battled with forever. As I watched this young woman blow up at probably everyone in her life, I realized how much I need God to lead me out of my sin. How much I need God to provide me with a different perspective. How much I need to rely on God for peace. What I wanted to do was turn to her and ask if she knew about Jesus. I wanted to wrap Jesus’ love around her. To somehow snap her mind off her problems and look up to God. I could turn and look at this woman and see my own face looking back at me. And I didn’t want to be “that girl.”

In 2019 there were more than 18 million self-help type books sold in the United States. The number of unique titles rose nearly three-fold from 30,897 in 2013 to 85,253 in 2019. That’s a lot of people trying to fix themselves! Isn’t that, so often, what we turn to our friends, co-workers and professionals for – advice on fixing our problems?

Aren’t we exhausted yet trying to fix ourselves? As the world drifts farther from God it shouldn’t be surprising that so many people are working so hard to fix their own problems. Jesus came to save our souls but I believe He also came to save us from ourselves.

“The only way we are ever ready for a change in our life is when we are tired of “me.” When we say we cannot continue to do the work of trying to make ourself happy. We are fed up.”
Joyce Meyer

When we stop striving, stop trying to control what other people think of us, stop trying to please everyone, stop shaming ourselves for our past, stop playing victim, and start putting God as our King, our Creator, our Lord we can release the yoke of our fleshly life.

"Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty." John 6:35

And follow Him. Retire from our self-care routines. Self-care as in trying to fix ourselves. Certainly we take care of ourselves, our minds and bodies. But God always calls us to take a new perspective in every aspect of our lives. When we take time to mediate, what do we mediate on? When we decide what best to eat or how to stay in shape, who do we do it for? Why do we word vomit all over our family or friends trying to get them to see “our side?” For ourselves? Or for our Heavenly Father?

I’ve heard the evangelist teacher Joyce Meyer make this statement many times: “I was always on my mind. I was so selfish.” To change that she created these three steps:

Live to please God, not yourself. You are making a Kingdom investment. And you will always get a great return on your investment.
Refuse to have “me” on my mind all the time. I’m not thinking about what’s wrong with me all the time or how I can get people to do things for me.
Always use money and things to bless people. Don’t use people to get money and things.

Jesus frequently took the focus off Himself and placed it on God. He prayed for help in times of pain and trouble. He told the disciples to look to the Father. He guided new believers to putting away their shame and accepting forgiveness from God. The times He had to solidify His place as the Savior He seemed almost reluctant. The focus for Jesus the man was always God and how to best please Him.

In my study on Revelation, I was asked the question, “How does the fact that Jesus is King of Kings and Lord of Lords affect our everyday choices and decisions?” In other words, getting ourselves, off our own minds and onto the Creator. I’m finally leaning more on Him as my wise counselor. He is my exercise coach, my nutritional advisor, my mental wellness guru. When I see my mind and body as belonging to Him, I realize the responsibility I have to keeping myself focused on what He wants for me. I fail frequently. And when I do I come to Him seeking and receiving forgiveness.

I encountered the young, angry, hurt woman at the end of my trip. Before it had even started however, I failed to grab on to God’s promised peace by my favorite method of failure –outrage. The TSA officer and I had a bit of a confrontation. I blustered and was rude. As I walked away, I realized I was wearing my silver cross around my neck. I may have flushed in embarrassment. I failed to show grace and patience and forgiveness. I took the situation personally. It was all about “me.”

The difference for me at that moment was instead of adding it to my Vault of Shame I lifted it up to God. I had a counseling moment with Him. I felt His disappointment and His love. It set me on course to be more aware of my behavior choices while in the crowded airport.

“We are in the middle between hating sin and sinning. When we aren’t accustomed to making good choices it’s hard. The devil is working against us. The more often we make those good choices it becomes easier.”
Joyce Meyer

And so, on my return flight, as I sat next to the woman with fire bursting from her fingertips, and like lava flowing out on her family, friends, co-workers burning bridges left and right I wanted to be like Jesus. To be able to look her in the eye and know her hurts, her overwhelming pain and say, “follow me.”

And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again. 2 Cor 5:15

It wasn’t a counseling moment for her. Although I prayed for her. It was a reminder message to me. To live for Jesus. To place my thoughts on Jesus. To release my pain and hurts to Him. To stop trying to defend and take care of myself. To trust that He wants the best for me and will guide me to whatever that looks like. To take my mind off me and have the mind of Christ.

bible study, Christian, Christian Church, christian encouragement, Faith, Jesus Follower, Transformation Prayer, Uncategorized

Life-Giving Peace

January 15, 2021January 12, 2021 krisshetter

Do not be anxious about 
anything, but in every situation, 
by prayer and petition, with 
thanksgiving, present your 
requests to God.
Philippians 4:6

I rest my worries in constant prayer

LORD, I confess that I can cite Philippians 4:6 quite easily but it is the actual doing that I struggle with. In fact, when I get very distressed, I forget about you and turn inward to try and solve my problems. Or I call friends and family to lay all my worries upon. Too often it seems you are my last gasp when all else fails. Thank you for giving us your Son to remind us that you are the only source we need to turn to in times of trouble. With His guiding words I will place you front and center of my difficult situations. Through constant prayer and communion with You I will find everlasting peace. I lift this up in Jesus’ name. Amen

My ever-positive husband used to call me his “woulda, coulda, shoulda” wife. It confounded him how often I could worry about something I just did or said, something I was about to do, or something I needed to say or do. Peace can be as elusive to me as the Loch Ness monster is to photographers.

I can even carry over all this worry to purchases I made or need to make. My kids know quite well the meaning of “buyer’s remorse” because I would buy a blouse, bring it home, and then fret over whether or not I should’ve bought it. At times, I’d have buyer’s remorse before I even left the store.

Nowadays my frets and anxieties rest in bigger issues such as the state of our country or my children’s future. And yet, there’s little to nothing I can do about any of it.

Can any one of you by worrying 
add a single hour to your life?
Matthew 6:27

This verse hits home for me. I’ve spent a lot of precious God-given hours worrying – about things I did and didn’t have control over. On the outside, I appear to be a decisive person. But on the inside I worry about hurting people’s feelings, whether or not I “did the right thing,” am I being a good enough friend/wife/mother. And on and on.

But I’m done. In human years I’d say on average I have about 148,920 days left in my life, if all goes well. Of course, I could be called to God tomorrow. And worrying won’t add any more time. In fact, worrying will take away some of that time. I’ve got a lot left to do here on this planet – weddings, births, travel, great meals to eat, and kisses I still want from my husband. I don’t want to waste another day keeping my worries from God’s capable hands.

I tried this plan out the other day. I said a small conversational prayer to God: “God, I don’t want to think about this for one more minute! Please take it off my mind and off my desire to even want to think about it.” About an hour later I suddenly realized I had forgotten all about that particular concern. I didn’t feel that familiar lurch of my emotion to grab it back.

Friend, the gift of peace is right up at the top of precious God gifts. I want more of it and less heart wrenching, mind scrambling worry. With putting God front and center of each and every situation I know the scales will be tipped toward peace.

If you want this too, add the prayer to your daily prayer list and watch and see how God works in your life!

bible study, Christian, Christian Church, christian encouragement, christian men, Faith, Uncategorized

Anchored In Joy

December 22, 2020December 21, 2020 toddshetter

And foreigners who bind themselves to 
the Lord to minister to him,to love the 
name of the Lord, and to be his servants,
all who keep the Sabbath without 
desecrating it and who hold fast to 
my covenant—these I will bring to my 
holy mountain and give them joy in my 
house of prayer.
Isaiah 56:6-7

These months of Coronavirus lockdowns and limitations have led to varying degrees of modified social gathering, decreased family contact and less human contact than any time in my 55 years on this earth. Certainly, the psychiatrists and social scientists will write about this period of time for decades to come. The scientific themes and research will revolve around isolation, depression, anxiety and the overall physical decline of those who were compromised and the most vulnerable to the novel coronavirus.

There is no question that decreased physical contact and changes in routines and habits can throw all of us off our game. So many have lost their solid hold on the anchor lines of routine, comfort and familiarity. But did our dependence on other people for our happiness and joy make us vulnerable in ways we never expected?

During the last nine months, I’m confident in saying we all have experienced the side effects of these pseudo government-imposed quarantines, confinements and solitude from limited human contact. Not many of us think it has been good for us and others, the social animals amongst us, think it has been the work of the devil himself.

Personally, I have learned some very valuable and lifelong lessons from this pandemic imposed by the changes to our day-to-day lives. Most importantly, my joy is not dependent on those around me and what they bring to the game. My joy comes from within and from above.

Praise the Lord! For he has heard 
my cry for mercy. The Lord is my 
strength and shield. I trust him 
with all my heart. He helps me, 
and my heart is filled with joy.
Psalm 28:6-7

While happiness is temporary and fleeting, joy is deep, sustainable and long-lived if based in the promise of God’s plan for lives. Happiness is equivalent to a thread that can bind items together but has little strength under pressure and strain. Joy is a thick, tightly-woven and multistrand rope created to anchor and restrain heavy items like a ship or a barge. When joy is fixed in our soul and anchored to Jesus’s love for us the anguish, the discomfort, and the turmoil we feel during a pandemic doesn’t knock us down to our knees.

Joy is my equalizer that levels the panic and threat level and brings everything back into focus. I am not dependent on other people for my joy and my peace. My anchor rope is fixed to my Father who has promised strength, protection, salvation and joy.

Until now you have asked for 
nothing in My name; ask and 
you will receive, so that 
your joy may be made full.
John 16:24

bible study, Christian, Christian Church, christian encouragement, Faith, Jesus Follower, Uncategorized

Historical Perspective

December 5, 2020 krisshetter

I’ve heard a lot of media types say this year is one of the most difficult “of all time.” As humans we tend to look at history from our own timeframe. When we do that it negates all the trials and tribulations so many before us have endured.
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As Christians we need to grasp hold of the many promises of which God clearly states in His Holy Word. When we do, we find that people have successfully endured extreme hardships for 1,000s of years because they placed their faith in Him.
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Join me and a few guests these next few weeks as we explore just some of those promises which help us, not only endure, but to find joy and peace no matter what the world hurls at us.
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Go to https://emboldened.net/ and follow to receive your daily email of promises made and kept by God.

bible study, Christian, Christian Church, christian encouragement, Uncategorized

His Amazing Peace

November 4, 2020November 3, 2020 krisshetter

Overhearing what they said, Jesus told him, “Don’t be afraid; just believe.”

He did not let anyone follow him except Peter, James and John the brother of James. When they came to the home of the synagogue leader, Jesus saw a commotion, with people crying and wailing loudly. He went in and said to them, “Why all this commotion and wailing? The child is not dead but asleep.” But they laughed at him.

After he put them all out, he took the child’s father and mother and the disciples who were with him, and went in where the child was. He took her by the hand and said to her, “Talitha koum!” (which means “Little girl, I say to you, get up!”).Immediately the girl stood up and began to walk around (she was twelve years old). At this they were completely astonished.

Mark 5:36-42

I’m writing this post on the United States’ election day. When you read it, you’ll know much more about who may be the next U.S. president. There’s a lot of anxiety and fear swirling around the world right now because of this election. Unfortunately, so much of it is based on misinformation or downright disinformation. And a lot of it is designed to create fear and distrust. What’s so different for me this presidential election is the peace I have, which is solely due to my trust in God. I am not afraid; I just believe.

In Mark’s retelling of Jesus bringing this young girl back to life he starts out with her father, a leader in the synagogue, coming to a large gathering around Jesus. He urgently pleaded with Jesus to come and heal his sick daughter. He believed that just by touching his daughter, Jesus will heal her. As Jesus walks through the crowds towards the man’s house a woman, who had been bleeding for 12 years, reached out and touched Jesus’ clothes. She thought:

“If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.”
Mark 5:27

Jesus knew at once that someone had put their faith in him. He turned to the crowd and asked, “Who touched my clothes?” (Mark 5:30) Of course, a lot of people had probably touched him because they were all crowding around Him. We so often want to be “fans” of Jesus, His groupies. But how often do we turn to Him in complete and total surrender and ask for His healing power, His peace? How often do we put limits on His ability to “make all things work together for our good?” (Romans 8:28). In fact, the simple act of turning to the crowd, searching for the woman who touched Him, caused the disciples and friends of the girl’s father to be almost annoyed. He was taking time away from what he “should” have been doing which was healing the girl. In other words, we think Jesus as all knowing, all powerful and yet in the same breath assume he can’t do all things.

We should not be so astonished, so amazed that Jesus can, by just being, heal us. We should not be so astonished that He also chooses to take action in His time. If we believe and have faith in the truths of the Bible, we must expect that, if Jesus can raise a little girl from the dead, if he can raise Lazarus from being many days dead, then He can handle anything else this world throws at Him.

This knowledge and trust is what has brought me through, not only this election season, but through the unrest brought on by Covid19. Each time I try and take back my fears and worries I am reminded in my Bible studies and through my amazing Christian relationships that peace can only be fully achieved by placing those fears back in God’s hands. A good friend has been completely transformed this year through this same process. My BSGs (Bible Study Girls) were reflecting today about how few times this friend speaks of “her anxiety” — which she used to wear like a favorite coat. Imagine that – with all the mess that is 2020 her anxiety has all but disappeared. Pretty amazing. Those trials and tribulations that James writes of have been hammered home this year.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.”
James 1:2-3

Have you taken these “opportunities” of trials to grow in your faith? To grow closer to God? To grasp the promise of Jesus’s peace? Another of my BSGs, who in a difficult trial, begged for God’s help and felt that peace descend over her. She described it as a weighted blanket – warm and calming. Isn’t that more of what we want rather than living in constant disarray, discombobulation and wailing?

So, as I wait for the results of this important election, I use each time my mind wants to lean into worry to instead lean into Jesus’ words – “Don’t be afraid; just believe.” And His amazing peace never fails to come over me.

The Lord bless me and keep me; the Lord makes his face shine on me and is gracious to me; the Lord turns His face toward me and gives me PEACE.
Numbers 6:22-26

30daysofpraise, christian encouragement, Uncategorized

Shaloha

August 20, 2020August 19, 2020 krisshetter

Life is like a stormy sea
That tosses to and fro,
But God’s Word will ever be
A ballast for my soul;
By its truth I’ll be held fast
Till I reach heaven’s shore
Where I will be home at last
And sail life’s sea no more!

—Perry Boardman

How often do you feel like a sailing ship being tossed to and fro? Or a tiny dinghy out on a stormy lake? I certainly felt that way more times than I can count. My “peace-filled” days were the ones I could count on a couple hands. But Jesus is the Prince of Peace! It’s so fascinating to study the days of Jesus and His interactions with the leaders of the Jewish faith. We have the benefit of thousands of years of scholarly study to correctly interpret Jesus’ words. We also have the truth of the resurrection to back up Jesus’ position with God.

But think of those leaders who knew the prophesy in Isaiah 9:6 which states: “For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” They certainly weren’t anxiously waiting for this Nazarene. A child born to a lowly woman. Someone not officially holding a title of Prince or even Rabbi. And yet there he stood.

“Shalom – peace – is a precious word to the Jewish people. It means more than just the absence of war or distress. Shalom means wholeness, completeness, health, security, even prosperity in the best sense. When you are enjoying God’s peace, there is joy and contentment,” says Warren Wiersbe on his commentary of John 14:25-31. The Pharisees, and other lay people, were looking for someone to just give them the absence of war and the gift of prosperity. They were missing out on the eternal peace that God gifts us through both war and prosperity. When I think of God’s peace the eye of a hurricane always comes to mind. This eye is an area of mostly calm weather inside a terrifying hurricane.

According to the website, A Catholic Gentleman, which promotes faith in men, “over 40 million Americans suffer from an anxiety disorder of some kind, and there are no doubt countless others that live with severe anxiety but are undiagnosed. “ But how do we obtain this elusive peace? The Catholic Gentleman gives some great insight:

First, it means living in the present moment. A great deal of anxiety comes from worrying about the past or the future, neither of which can be changed. Even though we know it is useless, we often expend untold emotional energy worrying.

Second, it means accepting the circumstances of life without impatient resistance, realizing that everything is either positively willed or at least allowed by God.

Finally, it means trust in the goodness of God. Many of us are afraid to completely abandon ourselves to the will of God because we are afraid of what it might mean.

These three pieces of advice are so clear and helpful. But they are not easy. I once told a good friend that some days just working on staying in the present moment took every ounce of energy I had. There are no quick fixes to this amazing gift God wants for us. Unlike grace and salvation which, once we accept Jesus as the son of God who removes our stains, is given fully and freely to us, the gift of peace can seem more like trying to open a clamshell style package. You think it looks simple and you try poking your fingernail between the two pieces of plastic. When that doesn’t work you look for a helpful tab somewhere the manufacturer must have added in order to tear that puppy open. But alas, none exists. Then you start trying to use brute strength or maybe your teeth. You feel a bit silly. I mean it’s you against a piece of plastic! You finally give in and get out a knife or scissors. And even that may lead to a bloody finger. When all is said and done you have in front of you a mangled piece of plastic and the object of your desire, freed from the bonds of the clamshell. You look at your freed item and somehow it feels more valuable from the work you just put in. And you exclaim, “finally!”

I love the teachings of Joyce Meyer primarily because this taming of our minds is her primary teaching focus when it comes to following God’s Word. One of her devotional days says,

“Nobody is successful with any venture just by wishing they would be. Successful people make a plan and talk to themselves about that plan constantly.”
Joyce Meyer, Trusting God Day by Day

This is based on 2 Cor 10:5: “We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey God.” When we keep our mind in the present and decide what goes on up in our thick skull we are miles ahead toward achieving that gift of peace.

I know a lot people who spend most of their time on the wall of the hurricane instead of the eye. They’re the “Chicken Littles” and the “Debbie Downers” and the “Joy Suckers.” I’m familiar with all of them as I perfected each of them at one time or another. Until I accepted Jesus. I surrendered to trusting the goodness of God. When I am facing tough situations I FIRST turn to God to pump a little extra peace into me. For a long time, I assumed that long-time Christians all had this peace. One friend I spoke to at the beginning of the COVID 19 scare, who has been a Christian much longer than I, was distraught. He said he just couldn’t see God at work anywhere. I told him he sounded like the ship being tossed to and fro. And that without trust in God he wouldn’t find peace. He stopped talking. He realized he had stepped out of God’s eye and into the storm.

I read this story as part of a sermon by Max Lucado on “Peace that defies pain.”

“I have everything I need for joy!” Robert Reed said. “Amazing!” I thought.

His hands are twisted and his feet are useless. He can’t bathe himself. He can’t feed himself. He can’t brush his teeth, comb his hair, or put on his underwear. His shirts are held together by strips of Velcro®. His speech drags like a worn-out audio cassette.

Robert has cerebral palsy.

The disease keeps him from driving a car, riding a bike, and going for a walk. But it didn’t keep him from graduating from high school or attending Abilene Christian University, from which he graduated with a degree in Latin. Having cerebral palsy didn’t keep him from teaching at a St. Louis junior college or from venturing overseas on five mission trips.

And Robert’s disease didn’t prevent him from becoming a missionary in Portugal. He moved to Lisbon, alone, in 1972. There he rented a hotel room and began studying Portuguese. He found a restaurant owner who would feed him after the rush hour and a tutor who would instruct him in the language.

Then he stationed himself daily in a park, where he distributed brochures about Christ. Within six years he led seventy people to the Lord, one of whom became his wife, Rosa.

I heard Robert speak recently. I watched other men carry him in his wheelchair onto the platform. I watched them lay a Bible in his lap. I watched his stiff fingers force open the pages. And I watched people in the audience wipe away tears of admiration from their faces. Robert could have asked for sympathy or pity, but he did just the opposite. He held his bent hand up in the air and boasted, “I have everything I need for joy.”

His shirts are held together by Velcro®, but his life is held together by joy.”

I praise God, the Prince of Peace, the Giver of Joy, the Giver of Shaloha, as many on the beautifully peaceful island of Kauai like to say. I thank Him for helping me be steadfast in surrendering to Him so that I might live each moment in the eye rather than the walls of the storm.

Uncategorized

A Bold Forgiveness

July 13, 2020July 13, 2020 acchurchgirl

A Bold Story by Andrea Cisneros

How did I know asking God to help me forgive my sister in law would lead to a deeply spiritual experience? I didn’t of course.

It all started a few weeks ago when my dear friend Kris invited me to be a part of her boldness challenge group. She instructed us to write down 3-5 bold actions you have always wanted to do. After praying I created this list:

Play classical piano again.
Become more than a surface level Christian.
Break free from the need to control everything so that I can cope with my anxiety: therefore being filled with life again
Finally deal with my unforgiveness toward my sister-in-law and my step daughter

As I read other boldness challenger lists I thought to myself that my list seemed very unimpressive. But I moved forward with my list. I had no idea how to completely forgive my sister-in-law and step daughter as their past hurt had happened many years ago. So again, I reached out for God’s hand.

During this same time, my husband and I were in discussion about our annual Mammoth five-day tent camping trip with my husband’s side of the family. This was not the year to go! Not with Covid19. I did everything in my power to make this trip not happen. Covid19 was my main excuse. After all, we would have to share the public bathrooms and showers with everyone at the camp site. Who wants to do that these days? But my real reason was spending all this time with my husband’s sister. Four years ago, she was very frustrated with her brother, my husband, and she said some very hurtful things. Things that I’ve held onto. I felt I had a right to after all, she was out of line and never should have said the things she said. Now you must know that she did apologize to me three years ago with an excuse that I deemed lame and so I didn’t accept her apology or forgive her. I didn’t know how to get beyond myself and my inability to forgive so I gave it to God as we headed to Mammoth last week.

There is a back story here that I didn’t plan for: healing from my anxiety and a need to control everything. It has been pretty crippling. My husband created a “man cave” and he chose pictures to hang on the wall from our first trip to Mammoth trip 10 years ago. As I looked at those pictures I remember how deeply moved I was to experience the beauty of the mountains and streams around the Mammoth area. I wanted to be that woman again — one who feels and sees and experiences the beauty of God’s creation. I didn’t want to be defined by my anxiety anymore. Again, how do I get over this anxiety that rose out of nowhere following my mother’s unexpected death two years ago? One week after that, my husband had brain surgery to completely rebuild his middle cerebral artery that had an aneurism which left him greatly compromised. His hospital stay was eight days instead of three. His doctor wanted to send him to a rehabilitation facility but I said I would care for him — 24 hours a day for months. I was terrified and grief stricken from my mother’s death but my focus was to help him get back on his feet. He returned to work March of that year but I was shocked to realize how much recovery was still needed. I cared for him as he slowly returned to normal…a new normal. Then August of that year, my oldest sister died. That all being said I’m dealing with a form of PTSD according to my doctor.

The day before we left for Mammoth I watched the news. It was all about the spike in numbers of virus cases. I texted my friend that I was struggling with giving this camp trip to God when it seemed so risky. As she has always done, she challenged me that I once again was making an excuse to not be with my sister-in-law for five days. She said, “This may sound morbid but you could die tomorrow in a car accident on the way there. Do you want to stand in front of God and say proudly, ‘I trusted you fully!’?”. Thanking her once again for being so honest I told her I had been looking at the pictures my husband put on the wall in his man cave. I want to be that woman again. I want to live free from fears. I want to see the beauty that surrounds me. I want to feel God’s glory in His creation. My friend said I should change all the “wants” to “will” and read this out loud in front of the mirror. And then tighten my belt of truth and sharpen my sword. The battle was on!

The morning we left, my devotional was about forgiving 100%! Not 90% or even 99% but 100%. Unforgiveness doesn’t look good on Christians! Our first night at camp was disastrous as our air mattress kept leaking and three times that night we woke up to inflate the darn thing. As I lay awake most of the night, I kept surrendering everything to God. Asking Him to give me the energy to enjoy the next day even though I hadn’t slept. I was surprised when I was urged by the Holy Spirit to forgive my husband. Why? Because he has lingering memory issues from his brain surgery he forgets a lot of things. Like the fact that the air mattress had issues when he used it last time. He forgets a lot of things like people’s names. Small things really but this wasn’t the person I married. I was greatly annoyed. So now I’m being asked to forgive him because, ”he didn’t do this on purpose.” OK.

We started the next day focused on repairing the air mattress. Then off we went to kayak Twin Lakes. What a magnificent experience! The sky was so blue and the air so fresh. We paddled around and saw a beautiful waterfall. There were duck families on the water. I was up close and personal with God’s creation and I was brought to tears. Later the same day we did a short hike to McCloud Lake. I was the woman from 10 years ago! I was filled with awe and wonder.

We had many experiences that were wonderful and brought tears to my eyes as I experienced fully the glorious creation of God but sleep was not one of them. The second night, sleep was the same and as I surrendered everything to God, I was urged to forgive myself. What? I have been through a traumatic year and a half with everything that has occurred. So I need to forgive myself for not being the person I used to be — that person in those pictures my husband has on his man cave wall.

Each day we spent our evenings around the campfire and to my surprise one night my sister-in-law said to me, “I love you Andrea.” With tears in my eyes I said, “I love you too” and I meant it. Finally I had forgiven her after all those years. This is what God’s forgiveness looks like. Love! I realized that it is up to me to replace my bad memories of what was said to me years ago with the new memories I made this trip to Mammoth. I will play the new memories we made — memories of love and forgiveness not 90% or even 99% but 100%. Thank you, God, for using me in an amazing way and allowing me to be made new again.

Hank and Andrea enjoying the beauty of Mammoth Mountain California July 2020