Tag: self help

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Enjoying the “Enough” Life Part Two

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Did you miss part one of Enjoying the Enough Life? Click here!

Enjoyment without God is merely entertainment.  

Warren Wiersbe

No one on this great blue planet is without sin.  Without sinful desires and thoughts.  Without sinful emotions.  So, if we seek contentment, or unconditional wholeness solely from within what do we find?  Our sinful selves just like I did when I embarked on my happiness journey a few years ago.  And we turn back to the unfulfilling emotion of fleeting happiness.

What guides a person to being truly joy-filled or content in every situation? How do we achieve that “unconditional wholeness” researcher Daniel Cordaro mentioned after visiting that Himalayan tribe?  It requires something outside us to guide us through the ups and downs, the trials and tribulations of life.  It’s easy to enjoy a new car.  But what about when it breaks down?  It takes no effort to enjoy the birthday party at the park you so expertly planned but what happens when it rains?  Does your happiness bucket completely empty and you turn into Attila the Hun, raging at others?  Or you weep and sulk feeling the cosmos hates you?

"Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. 12I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. 13I can do all things through him who strengthens me."  Philippians 4: 11-13

That strength to endure a peasant life that Tolstoy witnessed, a life of labor and toil, a life of disappointments and tragedy, and yes, even a life full of wealth comes only from God.  (Ecc 5:19 & 6:2) Through the Holy Spirit who comes to dwell in us when we say, “Yes!” to Jesus as our Lord and Savior.  It’s the fountain from which we draw on every single moment of every day to guide us and strengthen us.  Because my friends, you cannot find wholeness without Him.

Deep-seated in the American mind, for example, is the disastrous idea that we should pursue happiness. But what is happiness? And what are the realities through which one could achieve it? And how, practically speaking, does one pursue happiness? One might pursue happiness on the carpe diem principle. But that can be understood in many ways. It could endorse a sensuality of the present moment or endorse devoting the present moment to improvement of one’s character, to serving others, or to serving God. Usually in our times, however, it is some form of sensuality. Our choice between these options will have profound implications for our efforts to become a genuinely good person and to live harmoniously with reality, with how things really are.

Dallas Willard

My Bible study ladies are currently studying Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount by Jen Wilkins.  In the first week we read and discovered the messages behind the first 12 verses, also known as the Beatitudes.  Jesus’ goal in this sermon was to re-define for the disciples what not only the Kingdom of Heaven looks like but what its citizens look like.  The first four beatitudes describe the character of its citizens:

  1. We Are Poor in Spirit: accepting we are weak and sinful in need of a strength outside ourselves
  2. We Are Mourners: we recognize our sinfulness and weep over it daily.  Asking God for forgiveness for each time we act, speak or think (even feel) in opposition to God’s will for us.
  3. We Are Meek: in modeling Jesus’ submission to the Father in going to the cross for humanity’s sins and therefore suffering a terrible death, we too seek humility and submission to God. 
  4. We Are Hungry and Thirsty: not for earthly glory, praise and wealth but for our hearts and minds to be daily cleansed.  We constantly seek His will for our life so that we can glorify Him.  We cast off our old selves and thirst for the new bodies and New Eden to come.

These citizens of the Kingdom of Heaven?  They will be abundant with fruit and content in all situations.  The fruits of love, joy, peace, goodness, kindness, patience, self-control and faithfulness can be seen by all around them.  They spread that fruit and His Word throughout our families, communities and the world.  We achieve the ultimate peace in the face of persecution.  Peace with God.  Our friction between us is gone.  We are made whole because He breathes the Holy Spirit into us, making us one with Him.

"And I am no longer in the world, but they are in the world, and I am coming to you. Holy Father, keep them in your name, which you have given me, that they may be one, even as we are one… 22 The glory that you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one, 23I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me." John 17: 11 & 22-23

One with the Creator of all things seen and unseen – Elohim, Jehovah.  What more could a tiny, sinful human want for all eternity?  All other pales in comparison!  No self-help book without God can help you achieve such gloriously contented status. King Solomon discovered that our sinful toil without God is usually for our own gain and our appetite is never satisfied on our own (Ecc 6:7).

"The fool says in his heart, “There is no God.”
    They are corrupt, they do abominable deeds;
    there is none who does good." Psalm 14:1-2

I once saw an interaction with a non-believer and a street preacher.  The young, unbelieving woman stated, “How can you say I won’t go to heaven (which as a non-believer why would she care?) when I’m a good person.  I’m better than most Christians.  I don’t lie, cheat or steal.”  Yet, as Jesus reminds us further in the Sermon on the Mount if you even let your heart yearn to do any of those things you are guilty.  And I would bet all that I have she has, in fact, actually lied.  She has probably stolen something – maybe someone’s dignity by gossiping about them.  And cheating?  She might have thought that little deed or breaking some municipal law wasn’t that “big of a deal” but it’s still cheating.  She is at odds with God, broken and not whole.

It is only through the gift of reconciliation for our sins, no matter their size, of which Jesus Christ paid for, that we can come upright before the God of the Universe.  Where we receive mercy and forgiveness so we don’t have to live in shame and hurt, grasping for pleasures to dull our pain.  No, instead He brushes us off and clothes us in white garments.  He brings us into His family and calls us His sons and daughters.  He pours out His love and gives a piece of Him to live in us so we can have that “unconditional wholeness.” He gifts us with “enough” each day so that we may be satisfied.

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, 3 for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.4 And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."  James 1:2-4

We are made perfect and complete, meaning made whole, when we face life’s trials and rely on the God who gives us strength and hope.  We are honed and shaped into the image of the only being that walked this earth who was sinless and fully content — Jesus.

Friend, if you want to get off the roller coaster of seeking “happiness” and then being brought low by trials, look to our All Mighty God and His Son.  He is our provider, our protector, our armor, our joy, our hope.  He has never broken a promise and He never will.  He promises you a new life at the end of the rainbow – not a pot of gold.  And with that promise and hope we can live a contented, meaningful life of “enough” in a world of chaos.

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To Be The 3rd Man

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During the last five years or so I started gaining the dreaded hormonal weight. As a woman over 50 I’ve watched a donut grow around my waist.  Being tall, I can frequently hide this mysterious weight gain but I know it’s there.   So of course, I decided to try and diet my belly away.  I successfully lost weight through a program called Noom, multiple times.  Yes, after about a year of relishing my new body, the weight crept back on.  My second stint with Noom saw the same weight loss and eventual gain.  I constantly blame myself for failing to have enough self-control so I don’t become “fat grandma” instead of “fit grandma.”  And while I do recommend the Noom program – which isn’t really a diet at all but rather a healthier way of looking at food – it lacks one feature that would make it complete.  God.

The Christian way of self-control is not “Just say no!” The problem is with the word “just.” You don’t just say no. You say no in a certain way: You say no by faith in the superior power and pleasure of Christ. It is just as ruthless. And may be just as painful. But the difference between worldly self-control and godly self-control is crucial. Who will get the glory for victory? That’s the issue. Will we get the glory? Or will Christ get the glory? If we exercise self-control by faith in Christ’s superior power and pleasure, Christ will get the glory.”

John Piper, The Fierce Fruit of Self-Control

How many times in your life have you sought to abstain or control a behavior that is destructive or just isn’t serving you well by thinking, “I just need to say no!” ?  And yet over and over you fail.  Sometimes in little bits and sometimes with flair.  It seems the one thing we tell ourselves over and over not to do is exactly what we find ourselves doing.  But take heart, we are not alone.

“ I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.” Romans 7:15-20

Paul, we feel your pain.  He sounds exactly like the second type of man that C.S. Lewis describes in his essay about the three types of man.  The one we looked at in the last post who has a divided mind.  Thankfully, Paul does not leave us in this fretful state.  He makes a right turn into Mr. Lewis’ third man.

“Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!” ….” Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. Romans 7:24-25 & 8:1-2

A life free from sin, death and I might add, shame.  Sounds like a pretty good place to be, doesn’t it?  How do we get there?  How do we stop being double-minded, trying to put our weight on that wobbly rock and instead on the only solid rock we need?  First, by declaring Jesus as our Lord and Savior.  And secondly, turning our entire life over to Him.

You see, the third man in Mr. Lewis’ essay has done something violent.  They have fiercely killed their old self.  All their time, their thoughts, their actions, emotions, belong to God which means it also belongs to them because they are His.  It is a daily choice to submit their all to Him.  This man is joyfully obedient, not sullenly dragged to do good.

The abundant life is a choice you make day by day to embrace God who created you to be.  Becoming the masterpiece God formed you to be is a lifelong process, but it is worth it because of the beautiful, unique reflection you become of your Savior.”  

Charles Stanley, God’s Purpose for Your Life

The first time I realized the cycle of failure in not including God in seeking a better, fruit-filled life was when I attempted to stop cursing.  Throughout my day I told myself to not curse.  Of course, I found myself doing it more!  My thoughts were placed on the wobbly rock – my own self.  And cursing was what was on my mind.  It wasn’t until I placed them in the Holy Spirit’s hands that I found success.  When in trigger situations I turned to God, even for a brief moment.  “What would He want out of me right now? Anger or love?”

“For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live.” Romans 8:13

Friend, just as in all the other Fruits of the Spirit, biblical self-control is not the same as the world’s.  The world says, “Try harder.  And when you fail, sit in shame.”  God, on the other hand, assumes you cannot be the only member in this fight of wills.   He tells us to put on our full armor – His Word, salvation, peace, truth, the righteousness gifted to you, and the shield of faith.  We take this armor and call it trust.  Trusting in the only solid rock that can hold our weight and get us safely to the other side of the river.  

When you see the words “self-control,” don’t jump to all the things you contemplated in your personal inventory and think, “I can fix this.”  Instead, drop to your knees and cry out to the Holy Spirit for help.  As the two of you begin a new life and new self together you will find your “have to’s” turning in to “get to’s.”  Your new self allows the light of the Lord to shine on all areas of your heart and mind. 

For me, I stop thinking about cursing and turn to love and kindness and gentleness.  For others they stop being angry and unforgiving and experience patience and peace and joy.  We stop obsessing over our needs, for our bodies, our hearts and minds and instead ask God what He wants of us.  In other words, we stop growing weeds and start blooming and living a full Christian life.

Thank you for joining me on this journey through the Fruit of the Spirit! Be sure to follow the blog to receive your notice about the next series!

The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery;  idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace,forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.  Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Galatians 5:19-25
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The Wobbly Rock

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It always seems to start with just one bite, one taste, one look, one try.  We soon find ourselves groaning in disbelief that we ate it all again.  Did the one thing we were working so hard to avoid, again.  Disappointed someone again.  Backslid, again.  The world wants to blame Adam for this problem but it was Eve who started us down this ugly path of weakness, self-gratification and indulgence.

To be fair, it was who she decided to put her trust in that caused the Great Fall.  Two parties working in concert– Satan and Eve’s pridefulness– to disobey God’s command that fateful day led us to where we are today.  Adam, that poor soul, had a two-against-one situation convincing him all was well.  Of course, it was really two-on-two if Adam had simply spoke God’s name and asked for help.  God’s omnipotence would have been the finger pressed heavily on the scale for Adam and Eve to turn from the fruit in question.

But because they both placed their trust in what pastor John Ortberg calls, “a wobbly rock,” we find ourselves repeating a version of the world’s first story each day.  Pastor Ortberg, describes this wobbly rock like the one he decided to put his trust in one day while crossing a stream.  It looked secure and rooted in the soil.  As he leapt on it the rock gave way and into the water he went. Resulting in numerous injuries.  And the question today is, “what wobbly rock are you placing your trust in?”

“But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.  2 Timothy 3:1-5

I suppose we should ask, are we such people Paul is warning against?  In C.S. Lewis’ essay on the three kinds of men he describes the first type of man as one who lives totally for themselves without any acknowledgement of a higher being who will pass judgment on them or have any expectations of them.  For this person, the idea of self-control is based on the whim of the day.  “I should” or “I shouldn’t” enter their vocabulary based on family, social group or society’s expectations.  This person places their trust in a shifting set of rules based on new emotions, facts, and desires.  Today’s “well done” is tomorrow’s regret not because of eternal judgment but because the rules have changed.

The second person is one which Mr. Lewis says most of society reflects.  They know they should live a certain way and sincerely try to do so but only after they have first ensured their own security and happiness.  They believe in that higher power.  Maybe even call him God or Jesus.  These are Adams and Eves.  They’ve experienced God in some way.  But are divided in where they put their full trust.   They give to their church or charities but only as leftovers.  They stand up for the higher power as long as it doesn’t cost them much.  They are drawn to wanting to fit in with the latest views on sexuality and morality while at the same time knowing the Truth of God’s Word. They call their faith “personal” and wouldn’t dream of sharing it.  They “do the right thing” because they think they have to or else God might be angry.  Or to gain favor with God.  Their self-control still stems from their own will, but gets a nice dose of god-guilt on top when they fail to meet what they think God wants from them.   A wobbly rock to be sure.

Many times, however we take it on ourselves to define what’s good for us, and we can be tempted to doubt God for disagreeing with us.”  

Charles Stanley

Doesn’t that sound exactly like Adam and Eve?  Their self-control lasted only as long as something sounded a bit better or reasonable.  Satan didn’t erase God from their minds.  No, he took God’s words and twisted them in such a way that fed their gift of self-will.  I can only imagine the guilt and shame they must have felt as they packed up their fig leaves, a few bags of grain and fruit, and passed from the Garden gates.  From that day forth they probably tried really hard to do the right thing yet knew they were weak and could easily backslide into self-gratification. It sounds like them, but does it also sound like you?

Before we look at the third man in Mr. Lewis’ essay, I have a task for you.  Pastor Ortberg recommends taking this personal inventory to find out, with honesty, where we sit with God.  Are we relying on a wobbly rock which either leads us to temporary self-control or a self-control done with a “I have to” attitude?  This isn’t a confession to God, just inventory-taking.  No guilt, no correction, just a self-examination.  Be fearless and searching, remembering God loves you.

  1. Pride: Is ego ever on the throne in my life? Self-promotion, selfishness, sense of entitlement?  Lack of being a servant?
  2. Anger: Where is there resentment in me?  Where are the obsessive thoughts that want to strike out all the time?  Have I gotten physically violent or just withdrawn   
  3. Sexuality: Are there decisions I have made around my sexual behavior where I feel regret or guilt?  Have I been unfaithful?  Are there patterns of addiction, sexual pornography?  Have I crossed lines in relationships?  Have I been the victim of sexual assault or molestation?
  4. Envy: Do I ever compare myself to other people – appearance, career, family, bank account?  
  5. Gluttony: Do I use food as a way to escape or isn’t good for my body?  Or are there other appetites that would lead my body down the wrong path?
  6. Sloth: Not just a lack of activity but is there a failure to do what needs to be done?  Do I ever procrastinate with things that have high value?
  7. Greed: Do I ever hoard?  Am I gripped by a false sense of financial insecurity?  Do I not manage finances well?  Do I give the way God would want me to?

Remember, after you have completed this searching about where you lack in self-control or have placed your trust, if you are a follower of Jesus, God will lead you out of any guilt or shame.  Turn to Him, for He is the God who restores.

Coming Up: To Be The 3rd Man

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Retire From Self Care

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"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

“I believe Jesus died to deliver ourselves from ourselves.  How many of us are just fed up being ourselves all the time?”

Joyce Meyer

The darkness, fury and despair of the young woman sitting next to me grew with each passing minute.  We were so close I could feel her shoulder touching mine.  Sitting on the airplane we found ourselves in that strange world of invading each other’s personal space while pretending neither existed.  Her billowing cloud seem to want to seep over the dividing line of the armrest to pull me in.

This seemingly quiet, unassuming young woman opened her computer and began pounding on her keyboard like the devil itself was trying to escape her fingertips.  My eyes drifted to her brightly lit screen.  I couldn’t help but notice the many words in all caps.  And I was drawn to know what was causing her so much angst.  It appeared she was writing a complaint letter about a work environment.  As her fingers marched like Roman soldiers across the keyboard, pounding and erasing and pounding some more I couldn’t seem to tear my eyes away from the battle.  She was hurt and outraged.  She felt betrayed and abused.  Her past hurts served as the basis of why her employer should’ve known better.  And then those pounding fingers suddenly slammed the lid of the smoking computer closed.  Her fury still burned.  You could almost see the sparks coming from her.  

Over the course of three and half hours I watched this woman join the battle numerous times, editing, adding and pounding.  And then she started in on an email to her family.  I kept praying that she, once there was internet service, would have a change of heart and not send off the bombs she composed.  But alas, before deplaning, she picked up her phone and started, with the same fervor, sending off salvos via text messages.  I have never seen a person’s finger move with such speed and aggressiveness.  Like driving pass a car accident I couldn’t seem to look away.

I’ve come to realize that God puts me in all types of situations to test and teach me.  I was learning a valuable lesson.  You see, my tendency to get outrage over “unfair” situations is something I’ve battled with forever.  As I watched this young woman blow up at probably everyone in her life, I realized how much I need God to lead me out of my sin.  How much I need God to provide me with a different perspective.  How much I need to rely on God for peace.  What I wanted to do was turn to her and ask if she knew about Jesus.  I wanted to wrap Jesus’ love around her.  To somehow snap her mind off her problems and look up to God.  I could turn and look at this woman and see my own face looking back at me.  And I didn’t want to be “that girl.”

In 2019 there were more than 18 million self-help type books sold in the United States.  The number of unique titles rose nearly three-fold from 30,897 in 2013 to 85,253 in 2019.  That’s a lot of people trying to fix themselves!  Isn’t that, so often, what we turn to our friends, co-workers and professionals for – advice on fixing our problems?  

Aren’t we exhausted yet trying to fix ourselves?  As the world drifts farther from God it shouldn’t be surprising that so many people are working so hard to fix their own problems.  Jesus came to save our souls but I believe He also came to save us from ourselves.

“The only way we are ever ready for a change in our life is when we are tired of “me.”  When we say we cannot continue to do the work of trying to make ourself happy.  We are fed up.”

Joyce Meyer

When we stop striving, stop trying to control what other people think of us, stop trying to please everyone, stop shaming ourselves for our past, stop playing victim, and start putting God as our King, our Creator, our Lord we can release the yoke of our fleshly life.

"Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty." John 6:35

And follow Him.  Retire from our self-care routines.  Self-care as in trying to fix ourselves.  Certainly we take care of ourselves, our minds and bodies.  But God always calls us to take a new perspective in every aspect of our lives.  When we take time to mediate, what do we mediate on?  When we decide what best to eat or how to stay in shape, who do we do it for?  Why do we word vomit all over our family or friends trying to get them to see “our side?”  For ourselves?  Or for our Heavenly Father?

I’ve heard the evangelist teacher Joyce Meyer make this statement many times: “I was always on my mind.  I was so selfish.”  To change that she created these three steps:

Live to please God, not yourself.  You are making a Kingdom investment.  And you will always get a great return on your investment.

Refuse to have “me” on my mind all the time. I’m not thinking about what’s wrong with me all the time or how I can get people to do things for me.

Always use money and things to bless people.  Don’t use people to get money and things. 

Jesus frequently took the focus off Himself and placed it on God. He prayed for help in times of pain and trouble. He told the disciples to look to the Father. He guided new believers to putting away their shame and accepting forgiveness from God. The times He had to solidify His place as the Savior He seemed almost reluctant. The focus for Jesus the man was always God and how to best please Him.

In my study on Revelation, I was asked the question, “How does the fact that Jesus is King of Kings and Lord of Lords affect our everyday choices and decisions?” In other words, getting ourselves, off our own minds and onto the Creator.   I’m finally leaning more on Him as my wise counselor.  He is my exercise coach, my nutritional advisor, my mental wellness guru.  When I see my mind and body as belonging to Him, I realize the responsibility I have to keeping myself focused on what He wants for me.  I fail frequently.  And when I do I come to Him seeking and receiving forgiveness.

I encountered the young, angry, hurt woman at the end of my trip.  Before it had even started however, I failed to grab on to God’s promised peace by my favorite method of failure –outrage.  The TSA officer and I had a bit of a confrontation.  I blustered and was rude.  As I walked away, I realized I was wearing my silver cross around my neck.  I may have flushed in embarrassment.  I failed to show grace and patience and forgiveness.  I took the situation personally.  It was all about “me.”

The difference for me at that moment was instead of adding it to my Vault of Shame I lifted it up to God.  I had a counseling moment with Him.  I felt His disappointment and His love.  It set me on course to be more aware of my behavior choices while in the crowded airport.  

“We are in the middle between hating sin and sinning.  When we aren’t accustomed to making good choices it’s hard.  The devil is working against us.  The more often we make those good choices it becomes easier.”

Joyce Meyer

And so, on my return flight, as I sat next to the woman with fire bursting from her fingertips, and like lava flowing out on her family, friends, co-workers burning bridges left and right I wanted to be like Jesus.  To be able to look her in the eye and know her hurts, her overwhelming pain and say, “follow me.”   

And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again. 2 Cor 5:15

It wasn’t a counseling moment for her.  Although I prayed for her.  It was a reminder message to me.  To live for Jesus.  To place my thoughts on Jesus.  To release my pain and hurts to Him.  To stop trying to defend and take care of myself.  To trust that He wants the best for me and will guide me to whatever that looks like.  To take my mind off me and have the mind of Christ.