"Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?” John 11:40
Yesterday, I received bad news while at the doctor. For the last few years I have struggled with constant pain and pressure in my left ear. I’ve had two sinus surgeries, a surgery to release pressure in that ear, an eardrum repair surgery, and even recent upper wisdom teeth removal in hopes it would ease the pain on the left side of my face. After another bout of sinus issues, a few months ago the doctor told me I had another pinprick size hole in my left eardrum. He had hoped it would repair itself. The other night I thought I had an earwax problem so I used some solution to try and clear it — causing intense pain.
So, yesterday I found myself at urgent care for the billionth time complaining about stabbing pain and muted hearing in the left ear. I prayed it would just be ear wax pushing against my eardrum. But after examining my ear the doctor announced my tiny hole was now quite large, again. I couldn’t help myself — I started crying. I probably damaged the ear trying to clear it. And I anticipate the only solution will be yet another painful surgery. Until then, my hearing is muffled and my ear is distractingly painful.
I walked out to my car feeling hopeless, again. Feeling like God doesn’t want me healed. I cried on the phone call to my husband. Beating myself up for probably causing the problem to worsen. Allowing that voice in my head to call me names and doubt the love of God.
Our verse today comes at the end of events of Lazarus’ death and moments before his resurrection. It’s Jesus talking to Lazarus’s sister, Martha, who warns Jesus that removing the stone from the grave will reveal a terrible smell as her brother had been dead for 4 days. Just before this meeting at the tomb Lazarus’ other sister, Mary, also fell at Jesus’ feet.
"When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” John 11:32.
We all, at some point in our lives, have wanted Jesus to intervene for us. We have a plan, an expectation, that if He loved us He would see that plan through. At one point in my Christian journey I would’ve taken the news about my health and let it weigh on me for days or even weeks. ”Why won’t you heal me right now?” ”Don’t you see me, Lord?” Although God tells us to bring all our prayers and petitions before Him, He also wants us to have faith in His plan, not ours.
It may seem cruel that Jesus allowed Lazarus to die. For his family to suffer such pain and loss. God’s plan, however, needed a little bit of drama to catch the attention of many. What greater event than the raising of a clearly dead man? Imagine the astonishment, the celebration, the awe!
"Therefore, many of the Jews who had come to visit Mary, and had seen what Jesus did, believed in him." John 11:45
I don’t know what the next steps will be for my health. My ear may be permanently damaged or the doctors, with the guiding hands of God, may be able to repair it. It may even heal on its own (the glory of the Lord at work in our bodies each and every time we experience healing!). I do know I don’t want to be like “some of them (the Jews)” who, instead of seeing God’s hand at work raising Lazarus from the dead, went to the Pharisees and complained. Imagine that, they complained that a man was healing people, even from death!
Whatever comes to pass I want to see the glory of God working in me and through me– putting His hand in mine. I will rely on Him for strength when the pain overwhelms me. I will look to Him for peace when I begin to despair. I will remember that I am loved and not being “punished” when things go astray. I may cry, I may get sad, I may even worry at bit. He will help change the narrative in my head. And I will ask Him to guide me through this so I may reflect His beautiful light to others.
Soli Deo Gloria. Amen
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